Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
