I wanna passion pit in your ass
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
