her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
