Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
