i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
