i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
