can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
