Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
