Umm I'm too high to move.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
