it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
