totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize