You just made me feel so damn special
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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