I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
