ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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