he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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