Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
