Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
