you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
