Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
