i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
