I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
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Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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