our cab driver is having phone sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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