Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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