my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
