True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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