Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
