She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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