I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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