dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
