I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
