I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
