why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
