wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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