dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
