My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The Olympian is in my bed
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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