Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
