God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
