i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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