Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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