she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
