Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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