There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
