I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
