i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
