I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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