He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
