why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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