We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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