Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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