I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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