I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
