if i can run in heels then i can drive
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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