dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
