OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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