I looked at my own cervix.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
